Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
