Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Blow job season was short but glorious.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
