remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Mom said you looked used
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
