And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
