Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i drank out of a bidet.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
