i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
