dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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