when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
