FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
