yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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