So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
