she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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