his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
