Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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