ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
