Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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