I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
