my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
