some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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