Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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