It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
