Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
