I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
