Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
