peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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