it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
