I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
