My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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