Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
