Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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