She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
