i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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