she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
