he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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