Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
