went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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