Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
