Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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