but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
