Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
