i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
