I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
