my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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