Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
