Banned from zoo.
Again?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
