WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
