you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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