Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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