i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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