its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Girls should come with a carfax report
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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