Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize