Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
