My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
