she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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